I have for so long tried to understand the essence of my faith, the why and how, the very foundation in me that led me to faith, because I need to know that in order to justify it.
Faith needs to have a reason to be real, and to this day I find it so hard to name, to describe that inner connection I have to it.
This is the big philosophical question.
Do you accept yourself the way you are, even if you are rotten, or do you seek to become something other, something less rotten, therefore ostracizing the part in you that needs bettering, even though that is an intrinsic part of who you are. I found that living in that all-Christian community, with the constant in-the-face reminder how sinful we are - even though with the disclaimer that Jesus loves us, but still, he loves us inspite of ourselves. Say preachers. If Jesus only loves me because it is his nature to love, and not because he has found some value in me, if he only loves me because he loves to love, not because there is something love-worthy in me - how am I supposed to feel anything but self-hatred, because I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough? Is that how Jesus would really treat me?
Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing Jesus... I am merely chewing on the messages that have been given to me for so long from pulpits and whatnot. I have begun to question how much I know of the actual Jesus, and how much have been phrases beaten into me in the churches...
It's been eating me up. Keeping up the smiley Christian face, not being allowed to acknowledge the ugliness in me that is so much part of me. How can I face it, how can I go to the root of the problem, if I have to repress it in order to be a good Christian?
I need to vomit it out, get the poison out of my system to become receptive for the real thing. And that is one reason why I have this blog.
This is me, uncensored. With all the ugliness. I hope it will change, but only God can change it. I don't even know what to change into because I don't know what true goodness looks like.
But I don't think self-hatred induced by guilt trips about my sinfulness is the solution. Self-hatred causes self-destruction, and the destruction of others. Is self-hatred the way, when self-hatred, practiced in order to find the motivation to better yourself, kills that very motivation because it makes you believe you are worthless?
I need to find a purer form of faith, not one rigid with dogma, blocking me from my journey of understanding the divine. I need to have a faith that allows me to love myself, to become receptive for love, and to have love heal and wipe out the ugly things. I need to be allowed to acknowledge who I am first, free of guilt, so I can love myself. That's why I left church.
Some say that God loves me because of what I could be. Is that unconditional love? That's not what I am, though. If not even God can find me lovable the way I am now, with all my ugliness, how can he expect me to love myself?
Did they make a mistake in defining God's love? Or does God really "love" like that?
I don't believe them anymore. I am away from the church so God can speak for himself. So I can know what I learn about God comes from him directly, and not through the mincer of the church.
The only times I had peace with God was when I had peace with myself. When I let go of worrying about who I am. It's then when I stop messing around with what God is trying to do in me, that the changes come quietly, but then they are for real.
I am not pretending anymore. All I can do is to show what I am truest at this moment.
All I can say is, being human, uncensored, can be an ugly experience. I acknowledge it, but I don't hate myself for it. Not anymore.
Uh, dammit, am I making sense at all?
"People think that because I'm attracted to people like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr or even my faith, my belief in Christ, that I am therefore some kind of hero or man of God or peacemaker. One of the reasons I'm attracted to these people is that I'm the very person who would not turn the other cheek. I grew up with a violence in me and it's still in me, and I despise it."