Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Broken Promise, Black Laughter

Yep, you got that right. It's 2.30a, and I am up blogging. That's because I went to bed at 9p, because last night, I was in the fuckin pits.
I haven't felt so shit, so low, so disgustingly worthless in a long time.
I don't know why.
I felt really good, really happy in the morning.
How can someone crash like that in the space of hours for no apparent reason?

Maybe it's not a good idea to buy Prozac from the bloody Wal-Mart pharmacy.
Maybe - which is my paranoid idea - the docs have prescribed me some bleedin sugar pills to have some fun with placebo effects dangling the carrot and then wreaking fuckin havoc on me.
Maybe it's the therapy. On the one hand it helps, but recently it's been like unleashing a bloody tornado in my soul. Hell, I thought it is supposed to make you feel better! But I have nightmares almost without exception, and the depression has come back. Full force last night.

I have the suspicion that Milla is right; I have to lay off the booze. It's not that I drink like a sponge - like a Brit, you know - but it has been more than usual. That's the irony: Prozac does pretty much nothing about the anxiety. So you have Prozac for depression and alcohol for the anxiety. Just a little, regularly, to numb the fear, in the evening, when the day catches up with ya, when the tiredness makes you weak. But while it said nothing in the prescription note, or on the internet, the booze may neutralise the Prozac. Which means, I get the depression; and the anxiety on top as soon as the booze effect wanes.
That's pretty funny, eh?

Especially since I got nothing to be depressed or anxious about, at least at the moment. It's just mind ghosts. It's just my fuckin head playing tricks on me, and I know it, but it overwhelms me enough that I can't reason it away.

Sleep is good.

And now I have to thank Milla, who has been really sweet and supportive last night, that coming from her, because she feels like this on a regular basis, and she still has the strength to deal with a cow like me.

It has moved to the point of losing it, or laughing... and Milla's last blog entry has been so deliciously black and twisted, it made me laugh out loud.

Especially this.

Thanks Milla.

I feel better now. :) *hugs*

You kick ass!!

No comments: