Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Down in a hole

I wish it would stop raining.
I wish it was dark, dramatic rain pelting out of green and purple bulging clouds, something that makes me feel alive and enchanted, not this dreary, miserable, permanent nothingness of rain that just makes me feel like I can hardly lift myself off the floor, where everything just feels like it drains me of the last ounce of energy I possess, where I feel even too tired to cry, just trying to outrun that black tidal wave before it washes over me, engulfs me and pulls me out into an ocean of paralysing sadness and fear, too far from any shore to reach with the little strength I have left, too tar-like to allow my limbs to do more than twitch weakly, too dark to see any shore in the first place, leaving me not knowing where to swim, for how long and whether it will be worth the effort, because maybe there is no shore at all.

I wish all this was tangible, so I could just name the demon and fight it off. But it doesn't make sense, and I dunno what's wrong with me and why, but it's too much there to ignore. It's like trying to grasp smoke in the dark with your bare hands to pull it out of your lungs.

I just hate being like this.


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