Friday, June 16, 2006

Navelgazing tomfoolery about navelgazing tomfoolery

I know I haven't posted in ages. That doesn't mean I haven't written anything. I had this post noted down for a while, too, but never got to posting it. That's right. I wrote a blog about not blogging and didn't blog it. How postmodern is that?
Baloney aside, I haven't posted because there were a lot of things that I still haven't qualified enough or properly to post them. Some are too private to post. Some involve thoughts on people who most likely wouldn't want me to put this on here, and who I don't want to piss off by dragging things into public.
Then there are some things which I have written "under the influence", be that booze, depression or PMS, or any state when I wasn't quite myself or when I just was venting.
And then there are things which are, albeit urgent in my mind, better left unsaid. I don't even want to note them down. Writing something down gives some things a permanence they don't deserve or which it is unwise to ascribe to them... so I don't.
Funny, isn't it? I mean, what's "being yourself"? How do I know when I am not myself? Am I not myself when I am depressed, or angry, or drunk, or is that just a part of me that I don't like or don't want to be? I guess my idea of it is how permanent I feel about certain things, and whether they only get "altered" under the influence.

Or maybe I am just confused about who I am and who I want to be, and don't want to settle. I really don't know.

I just don't want to give permanence to a part of me that I don't want to accommodate. Fluctuation is human, but do I want to feed the wrong wolf in me? Do I want to grow roots on those parts of myself that I'd rather see disappear, by generating a history for them?

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