Friday, October 06, 2006

Axioms of daily life

There is something I have learned in the 3 decades I have been scampering around on this planet: Too many improvements are detrimental. I don’t know what it is, but isn’t it annoying how some things that are working perfectly well are changed anyway? Thought up by a world-removed marketing team with nothing to do, and quite likely just to annoy the hell out of me.

Take, for instance, the recent change of the Bournemouth University logo. Apparently, they spent a 120 grand on it, something which a five-year-old would have scribbled on the wall with a crayon while having a poo, but got bored with it halfway through. The old one was perfectly alright, has been around for ages so that everyone recognises it, I just don’t see why they had to debunk it. Especially if it gets replaced with something as shit as this. Considering that this is one of the biggest and best media schools in the country, this really looks just like a half-arsed effort created by someone last minute who just feebly hoped to pass their course.
But that’s just one example.

There is a particular thing I can’t get my head around.

(OK, just to say ahead of time, those of you who are squeamish about the female cycle, you better stop reading now. I am aware I am at grave risk to gross away the entire male readership of my blog. But then, grossing people out for fun is almost my trademark.)

Right, girlies. Let’s talk about Always, shall we?
Am I the only one who thinks that the new “cotton feel” pad is totally shit? I mean, through the centuries, since the invention of the prototype of the maxi pad, we’ve had more than enough cotton feel.
Then, finally, towards the end of the 20th century, some merciful soul invented “dry weave”, which was perfect. You could bleed like a pig, but you’d still feel as dry as dust devils in Texas down there. One could almost ignore the nuisance that is the monthly visit. And then some naturalist asshole had to come and spoil it all. Quite obviously a man who knows nothing about the joys of menstruation decided what we ladies really want is the cotton feel back.
See, there is nothing wrong with cotton. Cotton is nice.

However, we’re talking of wet cotton here. Basically, Always Cotton Feel has returned to the old wet knickers feel us ladies tried to escape for centuries and finally found relief from with the dry weave. What a fuck-up.

And then, am I the only one who finds the menstruation message on the wrapper totally bizarre? It’s like sanitary towel and fortune cookie all rolled into one. Ew. No pun intended.

What about tampons, you may ask? (Or not, heh). I find them a bit obscene, to be honest. Which probably has to do with my first encounter with them in Stephen King’s Carrie’s class: when her class mates chucked tampons at her, hollering “plug it up”. That’s just foul.

Periods are a weird thing, anyway. You hate them with a passion if you get them, but if you don’t, you panic. No wonder Eve got it for punishment. It’s a no-win situation.

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