Friday, May 21, 2004

Nightmares Squared

Holy F**k.
It's still haunting was one of those dreams that your mind spends chewing on for the whole day.
I don't know why I dream stuff like that because I can't harm a fly. I don't daydream about stuff like that. Why do I dream it?? What's wrong with my mind?
Some of it is simply too unspeakable to describe. This is just some of the comparably harmless stuff.

We, a few kids and me, were in a hotel room with high ceilings and something like a belltower. All the kids... 12-year-old girls... hung themselves. The one in the belltower changed her mind when she hung from the rope,trying to climb back up the very rope that was strangling her, trying to free herself, and she frantically groped upwards, slipping back down, making those horrible gurgling noises. In the end, the room was..."decorated" with hanging girls, some of them twitching slightly, the other ones dead, their faces horribly distorted.

And two people I love very much were in that dream. I felt so happy to see them, and they made me feel loved... but then I found they had just been pretending. It wasn't real, and they were right, why would they love me? I found them laughing to themselves about my stupidity, and I felt betrayed, exposed, humiliated and heartbroken - I loved them so much! I felt like the lowest, utter scum. Laughing at me, they locked me into the room with all the girls who, by then, had been dead for days.

I found myself out in the streets in front of that hotel... but I wasn't me. I was a random person watching what happened next... I watched that girl that was once me climb out of a window, a plastic rope around her neck. Firemen were about, trying to climb up to stop her. She jumped. Someone grabbed the rope and pulled her back up, and she fought against it. Somehow she managed to loosen the rope from the fireman's grip, and lunged forward, laughing, both insane and relieved, against the sharp edge of something further down.
It tore her head off... blood sprayed over people.

What the fuck??? WHATTHEFUCK? I mean, I am a fairly happy person these days, fairly stable... where does this shit come from, why is my subconscious such a sewer of violence and terror?

Needless to say, I have my first counselling session today.

No comments: