Something awful happened here Saturday night. I thought I’d never have this happen in my life again, that I had reached the badness quota at least for a few decades. It was about the only thing that comforted my obsessive fear away.
It is highly unlikely this will happen again, so stop worrying.
But it did.
My dad’s girlfriend’s son has been in a bad car accident. It happened exactly as I feared it would. Once more, a phone call woke me up in the middle of the night, and it was Micha. His voice was calm, yet strangely urgent, but I was too tired to be alarmed by it.
“Please, can you wake my mom really quick?”, he said. I did, handed Sabine the phone and went back to bed, nodding off immediately. Then I woke again when Sabine was getting ready to leave, fully dressed, her face white. “What happened?” I asked.
“Micha was in a car accident.”, she said. “He is only slightly hurt, but there is no hope for his friend. And Nadine – her chance is 100:1 to make it.”
Dad wanted to go with her, but Sabine wouldn’t let him for reasons I will explain later.
Micha’s friend has been driving too fast and the car collided with another car, flew over it, spinning, rammed some junk containers at a construction site and landed on its roof… or something like that. It was a freakish stunt, but it wasn’t for show, it was dead serious.
Sabine rang us again from the hospital at 6am, when it was pretty set that Nadine wouldn’t make it, and she was crying because she didn’t know how to tell Micha.
Nadine was brain-dead, and later at some point they turned off the life support.
See, I have only met Nadine a few times, but it still hits me so badly. She was such a sweet gorgeous girl, and Micha was so in love with her. They have been together for 3 years. I dunno how to act, what to say, what to do, because there is nothing one could do or say. Micha’s world has collapsed, and there is nothing one can do to make it better for him.
I feel so sad for him. When they came home around noon, Micha went straight to his room, and I heard him sob and scream in despair. He totally broke down. His mom cried just having to listen to it, it stabbed like knives into us. It was awful. It was a beautiful summer morning, but it was like mockery to us, there was just darkness and despair and hopelessness… like life had ended. And it kind of had. Life would never be the same. For Micha. For his mom. And even for dad and me because even though we didn’t know Nadine very well, we could feel Micha’s pain and loss.
And there is also the whole flashback thing. It’s been pretty much exactly 4 years and a month since my dad was in that car accident. We actually spoke of it yesterday, amazed at how much time had passed, not knowing history would repeat itself in a few hours’ time. My dad said that he had never thought he would have to experience something like that twice in his life. He gets this thing that he feels he is bad luck. Hell, I can understand… I feel guilty for it, even though I know it is nonsense, but it is the OCD thing once again. Did I cause this because I didn’t do my ritual once?
I am still sitting here, kind of numb, staring into space. I feel like I am invading this sensitive moment. I would like to make all this undone, but I feel so helpless, and so sad for him. Sabine is shaken especially because she had nearly lost her only son and it must kill her to see him suffer like that.
Friday everything was still fine. Sabine and I went shopping for toys for little Jessie, and we want to go buy a baby bathtub for her, and Saturday we wanted to take her mother and her to the zoo. Jessie is the most adorable little girl ever, and I have so fallen in love with her. Micha went to the movies with Nadine.
And now, life has turned around. I dunno why this keeps happening to my family.
There was a pic in the paper today – the car looks horrendous, there is nothing left of it. That Micha’s mate got out of this with just a cut finger is a pure miracle.
The way this has happened almost makes me superstitious. Dad and Birgit talked about what they would do if something happened to one of them just days before the accident. Micha and Nadine did the same. It’s best to not paint the devil on the wall, as we say here. My OCD tells me that this is the sure-fire way to cause disaster, and I need to ban the bad thoughts from my mind even more fiercely, by all means.
I dunno whether I should be pissed off at God for letting this happen again or to be grateful for protecting two people in this freak accident which looked like nothing could survive it. I just don’t see any sense in Micha losing Nadine like that… in having to suffer like that. In being hurt at such a young age. Fair enough, we all need lessons to learn, but at that price??? What’s the point? Sure, things could have been a lot worse, but they weren’t, because of God, some may say. I say, why did it have to happen at all?
I love you DAD, but you will have some explaining to do. You can’t expect me to see sense in it… not even divine sense.
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