Tuesday, August 17, 2004


Jessie today said, in between babbled words, a clear „Opa“. Dad wasn’t pleased. He doesn’t want to be seen as Opa (grandpa). Not just yet.

Jessie was such a darling today. I brought her those rubber books and her astonishment knew no limits. “Ooooooooooh”, she went, excitedly pointing to the pages before she stuffed the whole thing in her mouth and drooled on it happily.

She was so cuddly, she wouldn’t let go off me and would cry whenever I left the room. I know it sounds totally like I am full of myself, but she has gotten really attached to me and I cannot put in words how happy that makes me.

I know, it’s annoying when people start babbling on about their babies, and Jessie isn’t even mine, but I could go on and on about her, because she is such a little miracle, such a sweet, innocent, unspoilt little personality, and I want to do everything to protect the purity and joy of her little soul, and she is the only one that can truly make me feel loved, because there is not the tiniest bit of façade and pretense in her. I am not saying that the people that like me are pretentious… I am just saying that adults naturally wear masks, it’s just part of being human, part of life, and it breaks my heart to know that one day it will also be necessary for Jessie to create protective masks to hide behind, because her love and sweetness is so perfect… even when she is grouchy and pinches me when she doesn’t get her way. But right now she is so pure, she loves so unconditionally, without fear, and so straightforward, it heals me, it teaches me all I need to know about love.

Jesus said that only those who receive the kingdom like a child will truly have it, or something of that sort, and when I see Jessie, I realise the truth of this, and how much I want to be like her, loving so fearlessly, just expecting the best – and not be disappointed. I wish I could protect her from the disillusionment that mankind has in store for her.

Dad today said to me that I will be a good mom one day… and even though I don’t even have the slightest plans or even inclination to get married or even be in a relationship in the next few years, I felt flattered. But it’s not really a matter of being good at it. I guess if you love your kid and want the best for it, then you just become it automatically.

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