Still... if you are desperately looking for a "mate"... watch out. You better trust me on this one. ;)
I am Ally McBeal's long lost twin sister.There is no more doubt about this. Not only am I as neurotic as her, not only is my dating life as bizarre as hers (if existing at all), not to mention the occasional hallucinations and the fact that, if I could afford one, my psychiatrist would probably be even nuttier than me and make me sing lame songs (which I do), no, my every day life proves to be a close follow-up to hers. My ex-boss suffers almost the same Ally-symptoms.We're both chronically single, all the guys we date seem to be jerks in the long run, or they are nice and just happen to have to go to the other end of the world the next day, and it's always only our friends that get married (on our PMS days we are quite grateful for our status, though!).
Let me introduce you to Ally's Law or The McBeal Principles or McBealisms, which are a sort of Murphy's Law for Dating. Updates will follow - of course, only, if I can be asked.
THE CLOSEST YOU WILL EVER GET TO MARRIAGE IS CATALYSING SOMEONE ELSE'S.
This is what happened one morning. My boss walked in the office, muttering: "I don't believe it!" I asked her what was up, and she, her flamboyant self, went: "Am I some marriage catalyst? There is this guy I dated a couple of weeks ago, and I just wanted to gently let him know that I don't want to anymore, being all worried that I might break his heart, and it turns out he got engaged to this woman? Why do I bother? And how come all the guys I date decide to get married to someone else?"
Enlightenment shot through me, as I thought of various male individuals of my closer choice. "Honey", I said with a smirk. "There is someone I would love to introduce to you!"
THE BEST MEN ARE:
-your best friends
-in _____ (fill in blank the country that is geographically farthest from
where you live (in my case, some mountain village in South America, Australia, Antarctica, HongKong, USA etc...)... and we all know long distance relationships don't work).
THEY ALWAYS GET MARRIED TO 'THE OTHER GIRL' - IF THEY AREN'T ALREADY AND HAVE JUST "FORGOTTEN" TO TELL YOU.
Thing is, the same thing happens to me, too, all the time. It's always THE OTHER girl they get married to. Endless examples could be inserted, but I'll refrain, as it offends internet etiquette, and foremost, would terribly depress me.
IF MANY MEN ARE INTERESTED IN YOU AT THE SAME TIME; DON'T BOTHER; IN THE END YOU WILL END UP WITH NONE ANYWAYS.
You know it always goes that way. You live a happy balanced life, finally happy to be single and making the most of it. But at the peak of your independence, they pop up. Turning your life upside down. You can't make up your mind because they are all awesome. You spin around in agony. And suddenly, as quick as they came, they are gone again. Leaving you at the bottom of the valley, knowing you have to crawl up that mountain to the wuthering heights of emotional independence again.
Example: Nice darling guy "drops by" at store every day for months where Patty works. Finally, shaking with nervosity (aawwww) asks her out. Patty makes mistake of accepting cos she doesn't have the heart to turn him down and doesn't want him to have a nervous breakdown in the store, which he looks dangerously
close to. Date turns out that Boy and Patty have got NOTHING - capital letters - in common. Except that he has the kind of gentleman manners and mad love and utter devotion that Patty always dreamt of. They are just in the wrong guy. Boy
doesn't see it that way of course. He is willing to fight to his death to make this work. Patty, who feels like walking on eggs with hiking boots, turns down boy, breaks his heart, feels like a complete bitch. At the same time, there is other boy who "seems to be" interested in Patty, which might also be Patty's wishful thinking, cos Patty has severe crush on him. After Patty embarrasses herself utterly, it turns out he is off the market already. Of course. Wishful thinking, after all. As Patty goes to drown her sorrows, she meets boy number three, dashingly handsome and nice, who, on their second date, asks her best friend for her phone number while Patty is using the loo. Her boot must still be stuck in him somewhere. After a week of feeling guilty, rotten, stupid, betrayed and moronic, she faces a man-free future again. Following Friday night was a girl's night in, of course.
I swear I'll be a mad scientist one day, creating my perfect date, taking the dashing looks of one, throwing his useless mass of gray matter that only contains foul thoughts of non-committment and adultery in the trash, transplanting boy number 2's heart and devotion and brilliance and fun of the third into the hole that used to contain the primitive data processor of what the first boy called a brain.
THE LINES OF DOOM or YOU KNOW IT'S OVER WHEN HE SAYS:
"We've got to talk..."
"There are so many guys out there who would give an arm to date you!"
"It's not you, it's me...!" (my personal favorite)
"You deserve so much better!"
"Let's just be friends!"
"I am just not ready for this type of committment!" (which is the line that is usually followed by him getting engaged to another woman).
IF YOU FINALLY FIND A GORGEOUS CHRISTIAN MAN THAT DOESN'T CONSIDER YOU HIS "LITTLE SISTER":
He is drop-dead gorgeous. He's mature. He is spirit-filled that every date seems like a burning-bush experience. He is everything you ever wanted in a man.
Prepare for him to break up with you because he will go to Africa as a missionary. And marry a local.
"Relationships are awesome... Falling in love is great... but DEVOTION is the ultimate!"
Does that make me a mission catalyst?
An aquaintance of mine: "I have kissed people into mission before..."
THE QUICKEST WAY TO RUN INTO PRINCE CHARMING IS TO GET AT PEACE WITH YOUR SINGLE STATUS...
...I swear, NO SOONER THAN THAT will they be gathering up on your doorstep. Which does not mean, of course, that they'll stick around. Because as soon as you have lost your heart to one, they turn out to be the same adulterous, non-committed bastards like the rest of those you have already encountered before (See THE LINES OF DOOM), requiring you once more to perform surgery on broken heart.
DON'T DATE A YOUNG AND AN OLDER MAN AT THE SAME TIME.
Because they will be relatives, and you will find out the night the older man wants to introduce you to his kids, one of which will be the younger man you have been dating (OK, I admit, I stole that from Ally. But I wait for that moment to happen.).
TELLING YOUR BUDDIES THAT YOU HAVE JUST STARTED DATING SOMEONE IS USUALLY THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
The whole purpose of this is life’s way to humiliate you when you have to go around two days later to admit to your friends that Mr. Perfect Prince Charming has been cheating on you/is not ready for a relationship or simply not as great as you thought.
Thus, keeping quiet about your dating life is the only way to save it.
If they hadn't cancelled Ally McBeal, I would apply for a job as a screen writer. And it would all be autobiographical.
If I can think of anymore Ally Rules, it shall be continued, of course.
Until then, will go and quietly sob into pillow.