Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Perpetuum mobile of madness

I'm scared.
I'm so scared I can't move.
I'm so sad I don't have enough energy to do more than stare at the ceiling. Fear is like lead in my muscles, paralysing me, pinning me down.
And with each moment that I feel scared, I feel like that which in my brain causes the fear will become more incapable of not being scared. Become programmed to make fear the primary response to everything. But I'm too scared to stop it. The fear makes me weak and the sadness indifferent. Even breathing becomes a task, an effort that makes my chest hurt and tires me. I just want this to stop. Haha. Ironic, isn't it?
Nicky said that in order to overcome the fear, and the compulsion, I need to let it happen without doing whatever alleviates my fear. But I'm so scared the need for a short-term solution is stronger. I will never be able to overcome this. The anxiety tingles and vibrates in my cells, and it's driving me insane. The thoughts that come into my mind are monsters that grow bigger and bigger with each second the fear is in me. They live on it. They become real, or at least they feel like they will become real any second. I can't take responsibility for letting these bad things happen just so I can find a way of healing my dis-ease.
When I am afraid, the disorder is no longer a disorder. It is just a hell I try to escape. I can't reduce it to a loose wire or malfunctioning circuit... it is real. The fear that I need to overcome prevents me from overcoming. The issue is not being brave. The issue is that I need to protect those I love. The issue is that I cannot afford to give up on the spells that protect me and my world.
What else do I have to protect me?
But with every time I give in to the spells, they take control of me more and more.
I use the spells to control my universe, but I lose my soul to them because with each time their stronghold on me grows.

How can I get out of this trap?

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