Sunday, March 19, 2006

The drugs don't work

After the temporary Prozac miracle, Citalopram has been a let down. It has worked a little bit, for a little while, but the black holes are coming back, fiercer every time. And if the meds worked, this wouldn't happen. It's getting back to the same dark, sinister paralysis that makes me want to sleep all the time, cry all the time, or just be numb, and not having enough energy to do the things I like, with joy and enthusiasm. All my mind says to me is "what's the point", and I feel my time is just wasting away unused. I am so paranoid around friends these days, worrying too much whether I pissed them off or whether they are really my friends, or whether they laugh about me behind my back, and I feel like a 16-year-old terrified kid stuck in the body of a grown woman. I don't know what's real anymore, and what's just the Evil Voice in my head. And I become so stupidly, annoyingly craving for company because being alone with the Voice drives me insane, literally.

There is something I am worried about most.
What if, in the long run, no meds will make this go away? What if all of them fail me at some point? What will I do then?

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